Admit it. You’re beginning to LIKE some of the stuff your kids watch. You have no choice sometimes, right?

You may find this hard to believe, but my youngest child never watched TV until he was almost two years old.

Yes, we tried to create a perfect, TV-free baby that never ate sweets. Now, we knew deep down, that we were full of cow poo. Our hopes and dreams were a little far-fetched. I mean, we all need a little entertainment in life, right? Our unrealistic parenting ideals changed the day his sweet, Pixar-loving uncle gave him a brand new DVD of Monsters Inc. I’m talking about the 2002 version, people. Old school Pixar. (We didn’t even have a DVD machine, and had to play it on our computer! The horror!) 😉 He watched the bright digital “moving picture” and wanted more. MORE! “Again, mommy, again!” That single DVD was like crack to my little man. He watched that *(&(*^&*^*&^ movie AGAIN and AGAIN. And he was hooked on good movies forever. (And so were we.) Well, GOOD movies and shows. My family now giggles at ME while I watch Chicken Little as I’m literally cackling out loud (and doing a little dance). I do the same thing when I watch The Incredibles. (And for the record, I’ve been waiting more than 10 years for the sequel.)

Now, I can’t stand some of the TV shows they watch. And yes, they do other things. But at least family movie time is something I look forward to!

Did you “know” you were having a boy or a girl?

Some women just KNOW.

I have to admit, I KNEW. I did. Thirteen years ago, when I was pregnant with my first child, I KNEW I was having a boy. I’m totally serious! I was about nine weeks along when I had a dream that my husband was holding a blond, blue-eyed boy. I woke up, and KNEW! And when we found out the sex of the baby several weeks later, he was shocked.  But I wasn’t! I already had tiny blue baby shoes and hats on my mind!

Three years later, in 2003, I dreamed that I was having a girl. And guess what? I was right on again!

Crazy? Pregnancy hormones gone nutty? Or maybe it was mother’s intuition.

Some moms, like my friend Jane, just KNOW! (She just found out the sex of her baby a few days ago and she was totally right! A boy! Congratulations!) 

I know we all have more important things to worry about than ponder who wore what dress to the Emmy’s. But I can’t lie and say I haven’t scoured the pages of People and US Weekly at the check-out line to find out who made the “Best” and “Worst” Dressed lists. A couple years ago, I unintentionally ripped a few pages trying to see what Jennifer Garner wore.  Not a proud moment as my daughter was helping me put the groceries on the conveyor belt.

(I once DVR’d the Oscar’s JUST to watch Reese Witherspoon’s acceptance speech and as soon as they announced “And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…” it cut off the recording. I was so frustrated, I haven’t watched an entire awards show since.)

So, yes, I’ve had my fanatical moments.

But thanks to social media, I don’t have to watch the shows from beginning to end anymore. I didn’t even have to wait to see who wore what this year. Those posts about Heidi Klum’s dress were rolling in so fast , I didn’t even have to LOOK for them. In my opinion, she’s so gorgeous, the woman could wear a paper bag and make it look fabulous.

I have to admit, aside from wishing I had even half of their shoes, I feel sorry for some of these actresses. When you really think about it, if you were going to a glamorous event and you had to choose a dress that’s either already in your closet or given to you by a creative designer friend, what would you wear?

What would you wear?

Probably something black, right?

And maybe play it up with a necklace that’s NOT made out of real diamonds?

And pair it with Spanx and peep toes?

Am I right?

I have two or three dresses that I wear to events all the time. I am constantly recycling them. And I’ve owned them for probably five years. One highlights my arm dangle and the others HAVE to be worn with Spanx or else I look like a character from Mama’s Family. I’m incredibly thankful that I’ve never been invited to a Hollywood event or else I’d be frantically choosing something with not enough color or bling. (My girlfriend graciously let me borrow her dress when I went to the Give and Glam in Newport this summer. I loved it and the price was great! And my fellow author friends Elyse Major (middle) and Jennifer Leal (left) looked lovely in their ensembles!;))

But let’s take a moment and put ourselves in these actresses’ shoes. (Oh, how heavenly. I take size 9 medium, thank you.)

They picked out a fancy dress.

They put on their Spanx.

They had their hair done.

They loaded up on eye shadow.

They grabbed a cute clutch.

And they walked out the door feeling confident and pretty.

And then they are bombarded with cameras. In a flash, other people decide that their dress, their hair, their entire ensemble is either hideous or high-fashion.

One moment they are in, they next, they are out.

It’s awful if you really think about it.

I’m just so glad there are no judges waiting for me on the soccer field, at PTO meetings, at the grocery store, or cross country meets.

Wait – there are.

There are judgy moms everywhere.

All I’m saying is, before you pass judgment on these actresses, or anyone else, take a look in the mirror.

As soon as it’s boots’ time, you can count on me to wear them as part of my daily winter mommy uniform!

Remember mom jeans?

The light-wash denim jeans your mom wore when you were a kid?

Tapered at the leg, puffy, high-waisted and faded?

Like the jeans parodied on Saturday Night Live: http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/mom-jeans/n11727/

Well, if you’ve been jeans’ shopping lately, you may be in for a rude awakening, my friends. When you see what’s on trend for high-fashion jeans these days, you’ll notice there’s not a lot to choose from (for moms). The trend ranges from “super skinny” to “baggy boyfriend” jeans.

Baggy Boyfriend Jeans are back – OH THE HORROR!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hmmm. Those boot-cut style jeans from 2008 are looking pretty awesome, aren’t they?

I have to say, my boot-cut style jeans may not necessarily be in the “ON TREND” section of any fashion magazine right now, but they work for me.

They fit great.

They hide my flaws.

And they’re comfortable.

For the love of…. I think I may be turning into my mother.

Unfortunately, because I’m relying on the boot cut style so much when it comes to denim, it makes me cringe at how soon they too will be parodied on SNL as the next generation of…dare I say it….MOM JEANS!

Wait, could my jeans already BE considered mom jeans?

When I walk by a pack of tweens, do they snicker at my jeans? (OR just me?)

Am I turning into one of THOSE MOMS?

Oh no!!!!!!!!!!!

You know you’re heading into MOM JEANS’ TERRITORY when…

1. You try on a pair of skinny jeans, and your body physically rejects them.
2. Even if you don’t have thunder thighs or a muffin top, squeeze on a pair of skinny jeans and wa-laa, you get them instantly!
3. Consuming more than a carrot stick while wearing skinny jeans could be hazardous to your health. (My belly once bloated up like a balloon after having a carton of Greek yogurt and I could hardly breathe.)
4. Skinny jeans and baggy boyfriend jeans are looks that can only be carried off by two types of people: High fashion models and teens that weigh 80 pounds. (There could be some overlap here.)
5. When you try on a pair of (stretchy) skinny jeans that miraculously fit in the leg, the crotch never fits, making you look …like a stripper. Oh, I said it.
6. You begin to understand WHY your mom wore elastic waist jeans back in the day. OK, so I’m 35 years away from being an elastic waist Golden Girl, but it sure would feel good to not have to suck it in and zip up every day.
7. You’re hesitant to embrace the baggy “boyfriend jeans” trend (worn by everyone in Hollywood) because they take any figure flaw since having children and manage to make it look 10 times worse.
8. You haven’t tapered and rolled the leg of your jeans since graduating from high school.
9. You haven’t worn overalls since the 1980’s and there is NO way you’re saying yes to this trend unless you start getting paid to work on a ranch with Ms. Hilton.
10. Who needs jeans anyway? Forget jeans. You’re perfectly fine wearing cute riding pants that allow you to move around, eat and BREATHE!

Mommy Brain is one thing. But Mommy Brain on blond highlights? Oh yes, these are the random “senior/mommy moments” that happen to me after I get a little blonder. Meaning, after my hair stylist Patrick works his magic and rids me of my dark blond roots.  The week or so after you get your hair highlighted, something happens. Mommy brain is one thing, but mommy brain on recently highlighted hair is another.

It could just be the fact that both of my kids recently had the stomach bug while my husband was away, but I have a feeling whether you’re a brunette who covers your grays or a blond who highlights a shade or two lighter, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Tack on a sleepless night, crazed hormones, back to school taxi-ing, work deadlines and four loads of laundry, and this list can stretch on as long as a pair of tights that snag in the wash from your daughter’s “lost” metal hair clip.

My friend Jane from momgenerations.com brought a funny “moment” to my attention recently, which had me in stitches and inspired me to write this post. (Hugs, Jane!)

You know you’re suffering from Blond Mommy Brain when:

• You start chit-chatting with an acquaintance at the grocery store and keep calling her “Kim” and realize when you get back in your car….the woman’s name is actually NOT Kim.
• You walk downstairs and forget what you came down for, so you walk back up and start doing something else.
• Then in the middle of doing the other task, you finally remember why you went downstairs in the first place, but then forget what you were doing after that because the phone rings.
• You feed your dog breakfast, twice, by mistake.
• You fill the dishwasher and forget to press the START button.
• You walk out of a store and forget where you parked your car.
• You frantically call your cell phone and discover it buried at the bottom of your handbag.
• You leave your Starbucks drink somewhere in the house, but you can’t remember WHERE.
• You search high and low for your sunglasses, and then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and realize you’ve been using them as a headband all day.

What are some of your favorite “mommy brain” moments?

If you have a child with sensory needs, please put Carolyn Dalgliesh’s new book, “The Sensory Child Gets Organized” on your list of must-reads. Carolyn is the parent of a sensory child and a professional organizer.

I was honored to review her new book for Ask Mom OnlineRI.com. Check out the article here: https://onlineri.com/articles/ask_mom This Rhode Island mom was inspired to write this book to help make everyday life a lot easier on everyone. Check it out today!

I have an embarrassing habit. It’s very PG, so get your mind out of the gutter.

When I have time to myself in the morning, I watch a popular teen-TV series on Netflix. (OK, so a couple.) I don’t just sit around, watching random shows all day. I just work-out to them before my kids wake up. We don’t have a treadmill or a fancy Elliptical machine. Just my running shoes, some free weights and Netflix. Very 1980’s of me, I know. But it’s how I sweat when I don’t have time to hit the pavement or a Pilates class. I do some Jane Fonda-style moves and burn calories before anyone wakes up. (Running in place, leg lifts, planks, etc.) Yes, I may sound like an octogenarian in a leotard, but it helps me stay in shape. Sometimes, I have only 25 minutes to spare, but 25 minutes of “feeling the burn” is better than nothing, right?

After so many mini-workout sessions to the teen show……(and here’s where I whisper-yell like that woman in St. Elmo’s Fire)…..Gossip Girl… I’ve figured out that I have some questions that other fellow GG fans can understand.

Please note that I realize how pathetic I am for watching this show. I get that I’m in my 40s. But the story line is so addicting, it helps me forget that I’m burning calories. And so do the shoes and handbags! Hey, we all have shameless habits. I don’t smoke or do drugs. I work out to Gossip Girl. Sue me.

Questions that I find myself pondering as I’m running to Gossip Girl:

1)      Someone please tell me, when do Blair Waldorf and Serena van der Woodsen have time to work out? B probably weighs 95 pounds in the rain.

2)      I never see them getting out of the shower or blow drying their own hair. Do you?

3)      When do they have time to style their hair and make it look professionally blown out?

4)      Does private school in Manhattan start at 10 a.m.? How else can they be dressed from head to toe in Versace (with a matching headband) and manage to beat morning traffic?

5)      How is it that the same day someone decides to throw a party, everyone miraculously shows up at 7 p.m.? (On a school night!) It takes me weeks, sometimes months to plan something with my girlfriends!

6)      Besides Carrie Bradshaw, who has that many cocktails dresses? With coordinating designer shoes? (That aren’t straight from the sale rack? Oh, the horror!) I would probably repeat the same dress 10 times in one year, (mixing up the shoes and jewelry, of course)…and this alone would land me smack on the cover of Gossip Girl!

7)      Besides Don Draper and his Mad Men cohorts, who really drinks scotch in the middle of the day? Or two glasses of cognac and can still stand after a “last-minute” white party on Blair’s terrace?

8)      How does Lily Bass have the strength to wear diamond dangling earrings when all she consumes are crumbs of Rufus’s waffles, an occasional spoonful of yogurt or three glasses of champagne?

9)      When exactly did Serena…develop? Age 12? Honey, I’m still waiting for mine to come in!

10)   How can Chuck Bass run his father’s multi-billion dollar empire? Didn’t he just graduate from high school?

11)   How can a college student go from interning for ONE day to being promoted at a top fashion magazine? Especially after she got fired? Excuse me, but I don’t recall her even taking a writing test!

12)   When will Lily stop looking so put-together? She wakes up looking like she’s ready for the opera. Never do I see her in a t-shirt and yoga pants.

(Let alone Wellies and comfy leggings, which just so happens to be what I’m wearing right now as I sit in a café venting all of this out on my laptop.)

You know you “get” me, moms…XOXO – Jackie

When you become a mom, you think about your kids. Your husband. Your dog. Your house. Your neighbors. Your friends.

You think about everyone else. EVERYONE BUT YOU. This is thoughtful and giving. But over time? This leads to crankiness. (Cranky mom + cranky kids + cranky husband = unhappy mommy.)

It’s OK to set aside some time for you. It’s healthy. And it leads to a more balanced life and…TOTAL MOMMY SANITY. Yeah!!! Check out my top 10 tips to help you find more ME time in my latest AskMom OnlineRI.com column here.

And how cute is this mommy graphic?? (From one of the first sketches in my book, How to Spread Sanity on a Cracker – available now in color!)

I hear my phone.

Then there’s blurred lines.

Not Robin Thicke’s, but digits. Is that a six? A zero? Maybe a nine?

I grab my glasses from the night stand.

6:20 a.m.

“What the…?” I whisper to myself.

I’m so not getting up yet.  I hit SNOOZE. And fall back to sleep…with my glasses on.

I was supposed to be on a 30-minute jog with my dog by now.

But I hit SNOOZE …a few times.

Holy Shnikies! It’s 6:57 a.m.!!!!!!!

That’s right – the kids have school today!

Wait…THE KIDS HAVE SCHOOL!!!

For the love of Jay Z, the kids have school!

Son of a…Wooooooooopppp, THE KIDS ARE BACK AT SCHOOL!

I run down the hall in my PJs and wake up both kids. My son has slits for eyes, and he yawns that total denial of “OK, mom, I’m up. I’m up.”

I turn on the light and close his door.

My daughter is already awake, making her bed.

I run downstairs and get their lunches ready. My husband promised them cheesy eggs on the first day.

Breakfast? Check.

Lunches? Check.

Backpacks? Check.

Kids dressed themselves? Check.

I snap their picture. My cuties are all set. And I am too, I think.

This glorious day has finally arrived. I took time off from work over the summer, which as any mother knows, means nothing. You never stop working when you’re a mom. I adore my kids, but to be frank, I’ve been playing Julie McCoy all summer. From playdates to pool days, sleep unders to day trips, to Fro Yo and Pink Berry and back, I’m a little….drained.

So, although I enjoyed the summer…

I’ve been secretly counting down the days until school is back in session.

Down to the minute actually.

But for some reason, looking at them at breakfast this morning, I found myself at a loss for words.

My cuties aren’t 4 and 7 anymore. No, no, no.

They are now in the 4^th and 7^th grade.

So I swallowed hard, and snapped their picture.

Then right there, in the middle of the kitchen, it hits me.

MY BABIES! They are almost ready for college!

Before I can reach for the blueberries, I feel a lump in my throat.

My husband looks at me and I know he knows I know what’s about to happen.

He warns them, with his usual spoonful of sarcasm. “Kids, I think mom is about to have a breakdown.”

“What, Dad?”

“She just realized you guys aren’t babies anymore!”

And right there, in my PJs and glasses, the tears start flowing and I plop my face on the counter.

The next thing I know, he snaps this picture of me.

And, here you have it, proof of my back to school break down.

 

How’s your summer going? I’ve been enjoying the time off with my kids. It’s been a fun and busy break. But……. now it’s August. And…well… I’m secretly relishing the day they go back to school. There, I said it. (School starts in 18 days. Approximately 17 hours. And three minutes. But who’s keeping track?!) I have my reasons for looking forward to the fall. There are so many to choose from. Let’s just say my role of pseudo summer entertainment director is growing pretty “meh” fast.

Oh yes, as mothers, we ARE fun factories, especially in the summer. After the vacations are over, we often “manufacture” fun for our kids. From playdates to pool meet-ups, summer camps to sleep unders, every day we are our kids’ go-to summer planning machines. And one thing I’ve realized since having kids? There are no summer breaks for moms. No. There’s no “recess” for mommy.

I try to take mini power-breaks here and there to help maintain a level of mommy sanity. Unfortunately, at the end of the day, when I try to sneak outside to read by myself or downstairs to watch a really therapeutic show on Netflix (like, say, Gossip Girl), 9 times out of 10, my kids find me. I could be in the basement, hiding in my daughter’s play kitchen under an afghan with my iPad placed on top of the plastic countertop, and they find me. Just as I’m sneaking in a spoonful of Nutella and waiting to see what Blair said to Serena, my daughter finds me and the next thing I know, they’ve stolen my blanket, turned off my show and I’m playing Adventure Time Monopoly. Although I enjoy playing board games with my kids, on this particular evening I had reached my “mommy wall” and I honestly needed Calgon to take me away. I was apparently playing the role of Finn, on the brink of going bankrupt because my son had monopolized the board and I was the banker!

Plus my toes and heels have been crying for a back-to-school pedicure and I’ve “treated myself” to ice cream so often over the past two months, I have to “hold it in” just to zip up my shorts.

I’ve been missing a lot of workouts too. I don’t really see that much of a difference in my weight in the summer until I see myself in vacation pictures. I gasp. And cringe. Because I think I had a lobster roll just about every other day for 30 days at the beginning of the summer. And pizza on the others.

If you want to learn easy ways to gain weight in the summer months, following are some of my own personal tips that will have you bloated in no time:

–        When making grilled cheese sandwiches, cut the pieces into mini triangular and rectangular wedges. Leave the excess buttery edges for yourself and snack on them before serving lunch to the kids. Make sure there is plenty of deli American cheese and butter on the edges to ensure your jean size goes up as soon as the temperature hits 60.

–        When fixing Annie’s Macaroni and Cheese for your kids, don’t skimp on the butter or milk. Mix the dry powdery cheese mix in as best you can, but leave an extra layer of the stuff in the pan so it’s caked on and the only way to get if off is by scraping it with a spatula and shoveling the leftovers directly into your mouth.

–        Eat anything over the kitchen sink while making dinner and/or waiting for water to boil.

–        Add some butter to the stump of your child’s muffin and waa laa, you’ll add a pound.

–        Make yourself a “fisher mom’s” taco by scraping leftover salmon or halibut from your kids’ plates, sprinkle some cheddar cheese on top, add some hot sauce to taste and roll it into a tortilla. The same goes for beef, veggies or chicken!

–        Order pizza at least once a week. Order a Greek salad for yourself, but eat only the olives, salad dressing, cucumbers and feta cheese pieces. Then go ahead and have the biggest slice of pizza (or two) because you know you want it!

–        Treat yourself to an ice cream cone every time your kids have one. You’ll be amazed at the results.

–        And last but not least, any time you see a lemonade stand, or Del’s frozen lemonade truck, buy a cup and drink it up. You’ll be packing on the water weight in no time!

With all the excitement about the Royal Baby, I just have to say a few words in praise of our fellow new mum, the gorgeous and gracious Princess Kate Middleton. Congratulations to the royal couple of such a beautiful baby boy heir, Prince George!

Boy, she makes giving birth look so easy, doesn’t she? I don’t know if I could handle all the pressure. Yet she has such a natural strength and beauty that blows me away…and makes me sigh with relief that I’m not a royal.

Top 10 reasons why I’m not fit to be a princess mum:

1. I would still be in too much pain (and whining to my husband about my aches and pains down under) to wave at anyone (let alone millions of people and members of the media) after giving birth.
2. I’d still be shaking from the epidural, because I’d ask for an epidural (because I REMEMBER how painful my deliveries were)!
3. I’d be scrounging to find something that would fit over my swelling belly and boobies, meaning I’d probably pull on an old pair of yoga pants that I had to spray with Fabreze before leaving for the hospital because I wore them so often and pair it with an un-ironed top, which would most likely not be captured well (at any angle) by zoom lenses. (How did she manage to look so gorgeous in a dress after all that???!!!!!)
4. My greasy, unwashed hair would be tied back, adding another five years and 15 pounds, give or take a wrinkle or crinkle.
5. I’d order tortilla chips, queso dip and a bottle of domestic beer in the delivery room following the birth, and I’m pretty sure I’d scare away my in-laws because I don’t think they’d allow Government cheese or domestic brews of any sort. The horror!
6. My drug-store waterproof mascara would run from tears of joy and perpetual changes in hormone levels, and I’d probably lose a contact so I’d have to wear my old pair of mauve Sally Jesse Raphael-style glasses, which my husband would have thoughtfully packed for me at the last-minute because he’d know I’d probably lose a contact whilst pushing. (Making me look even more like a total arse rather than a naturally strong and sophisticated royal.)
7. I’d be in a wheelchair because I had to be wheeled out of the hospital following my first child’s birth. (After 31 hours of labor and two hours of pushing, you would too!)
8. I would swear like a sailor after the first major contraction until the nice anesthesiologist walks in and sticks a needle in my backside. I’d yell out profanities and scream so loud, it would shake the entire maternity ward. (Been there, done that.)
9. I’d want more time alone with my precious newborn baby and husband. I’d want to drink in the baby Honeymoon stage longer. I’d probably hide my baby under three blankets and a carriage in front of the media because I wouldn’t want him to be subjected to any outside forces (like the wind). (This usually only applies to first-borns, because you “get” by baby #2 that they are totally resilient and you CAN take them for a walk, a ride and INSIDE a Starbucks and they will be OK.)
10. And the 10th reason I am most definitely NOT fit to be a royal mother? I would not want ANY outside visitors after the very first, very sleepless night with my baby, let alone a cranky grandmother-in-law who wants you to curtsy in her presence. Let me tell you, no one wants to be doing any curtsying, bowing, smiling or small-talking when you’re wearing a maxi pad the size of a small island!