With all the excitement about the Royal Baby, I just have to say a few words in praise of our fellow new mum, the gorgeous and gracious Princess Kate Middleton. Congratulations to the royal couple of such a beautiful baby boy heir, Prince George!

Boy, she makes giving birth look so easy, doesn’t she? I don’t know if I could handle all the pressure. Yet she has such a natural strength and beauty that blows me away…and makes me sigh with relief that I’m not a royal.

Top 10 reasons why I’m not fit to be a princess mum:

  1. I would still be in too much pain (and whining to my husband about my aches and pains down under) to wave at anyone (let alone millions of people and members of the media) after giving birth.
  2. I’d still be shaking from the epidural, because I’d ask for an epidural (because I REMEMBER how painful my deliveries were)!
  3. I’d be scrounging to find something that would fit over my swelling belly and boobies, meaning I’d probably pull on an old pair of yoga pants that I had to spray with Fabreze before leaving for the hospital because I wore them so often and pair it with an un-ironed top, which would most likely not be captured well (at any angle) by zoom lenses. (How did she manage to look so gorgeous in a dress after all that???!!!!!)
  4. My greasy, unwashed hair would be tied back, adding another five years and 15 pounds, give or take a wrinkle or crinkle.
  5. I’d order tortilla chips, queso dip and a bottle of domestic beer in the delivery room following the birth, and I’m pretty sure I’d scare away my in-laws because I don’t think they’d allow Government cheese or domestic brews of any sort. The horror!
  6. My drug-store waterproof mascara would run from tears of joy and perpetual changes in hormone levels, and I’d probably lose a contact so I’d have to wear my old pair of mauve Sally Jesse Raphael-style glasses, which my husband would have thoughtfully packed for me at the last-minute because he’d know I’d probably lose a contact whilst pushing. (Making me look even more like a total arse rather than a naturally strong and sophisticated royal.)
  7. I’d be in a wheelchair because I had to be wheeled out of the hospital following my first child’s birth. (After 31 hours of labor and two hours of pushing, you would too!)
  8. I would swear like a sailor after the first major contraction until the nice anesthesiologist walks in and sticks a needle in my backside. I’d yell out profanities and scream so loud, it would shake the entire maternity ward. (Been there, done that.)
  9. I’d want more time alone with my precious newborn baby and husband. I’d want to drink in the baby Honeymoon stage longer. I’d probably hide my baby under three blankets and a carriage in front of the media because I wouldn’t want him to be subjected to any outside forces (like the wind). (This usually only applies to first-borns, because you “get” by baby #2 that they are totally resilient and you CAN take them for a walk, a ride and INSIDE a Starbucks and they will be OK.)
  10. And the 10th reason I am most definitely NOT fit to be a royal mother? I would not want ANY outside visitors after the very first, very sleepless night with my baby, let alone a cranky grandmother-in-law who wants you to curtsy in her presence. Let me tell you, no one wants to be doing any curtsying, bowing, smiling or small-talking when you’re wearing a maxi pad the size of a small island!