With all the excitement about the Royal Baby, I just have to say a few words in praise of our fellow new mum, the gorgeous and gracious Princess Kate Middleton. Congratulations to the royal couple of such a beautiful baby boy heir, Prince George!

Boy, she makes giving birth look so easy, doesn’t she? I don’t know if I could handle all the pressure. Yet she has such a natural strength and beauty that blows me away…and makes me sigh with relief that I’m not a royal.

Top 10 reasons why I’m not fit to be a princess mum:

1. I would still be in too much pain (and whining to my husband about my aches and pains down under) to wave at anyone (let alone millions of people and members of the media) after giving birth.
2. I’d still be shaking from the epidural, because I’d ask for an epidural (because I REMEMBER how painful my deliveries were)!
3. I’d be scrounging to find something that would fit over my swelling belly and boobies, meaning I’d probably pull on an old pair of yoga pants that I had to spray with Fabreze before leaving for the hospital because I wore them so often and pair it with an un-ironed top, which would most likely not be captured well (at any angle) by zoom lenses. (How did she manage to look so gorgeous in a dress after all that???!!!!!)
4. My greasy, unwashed hair would be tied back, adding another five years and 15 pounds, give or take a wrinkle or crinkle.
5. I’d order tortilla chips, queso dip and a bottle of domestic beer in the delivery room following the birth, and I’m pretty sure I’d scare away my in-laws because I don’t think they’d allow Government cheese or domestic brews of any sort. The horror!
6. My drug-store waterproof mascara would run from tears of joy and perpetual changes in hormone levels, and I’d probably lose a contact so I’d have to wear my old pair of mauve Sally Jesse Raphael-style glasses, which my husband would have thoughtfully packed for me at the last-minute because he’d know I’d probably lose a contact whilst pushing. (Making me look even more like a total arse rather than a naturally strong and sophisticated royal.)
7. I’d be in a wheelchair because I had to be wheeled out of the hospital following my first child’s birth. (After 31 hours of labor and two hours of pushing, you would too!)
8. I would swear like a sailor after the first major contraction until the nice anesthesiologist walks in and sticks a needle in my backside. I’d yell out profanities and scream so loud, it would shake the entire maternity ward. (Been there, done that.)
9. I’d want more time alone with my precious newborn baby and husband. I’d want to drink in the baby Honeymoon stage longer. I’d probably hide my baby under three blankets and a carriage in front of the media because I wouldn’t want him to be subjected to any outside forces (like the wind). (This usually only applies to first-borns, because you “get” by baby #2 that they are totally resilient and you CAN take them for a walk, a ride and INSIDE a Starbucks and they will be OK.)
10. And the 10th reason I am most definitely NOT fit to be a royal mother? I would not want ANY outside visitors after the very first, very sleepless night with my baby, let alone a cranky grandmother-in-law who wants you to curtsy in her presence. Let me tell you, no one wants to be doing any curtsying, bowing, smiling or small-talking when you’re wearing a maxi pad the size of a small island!

Guess who is on Scarymommy.com? I’m honored to be a guest blogger on my friend Jill Smokler’s blog! She is the best. And I’m grateful to vent to women like you about The Ubiquitous Arm Dangle. I have a feeling you’ll get what I’m talking about. Thanks for all your support, tips and comments. I can’t stop giggling. http://www.scarymommy.com/the-ubiquitous-arm-dangle/ Enjoy!

I could dedicate an entire book to venting about shopping with my children. Whether it involves running, chasing, timeouts, side swiping, spilling, crying, screaming, urinating or accidental stealing, I’ve been through it all.

This illustration says it all, really.

A couple “mortifying” shopping trips come to mind. Like the time I forgot to put a pull-up on my daughter when we went to the hair salon. Every two minutes, I’d ask, “Honey, do you have to go to the bathroom?” “No, I OK.” “You’re sure?” “I OK, mommy.” Five minutes later, we walk over to the shampoo station and in front of three hair stylists, my little girl squats (without getting her floral dress wet, mind you) and pees all over the floor.

While shopping in Pottery Barn for Kids, my 20-month-old son was playing quietly with an electronic dinosaur display. Everything was all fantabulous until I noticed an odor that could melt the plaid off of a pillow sham. Without even flinching, I lifted my son off the ground and oh yes…..sniffed his bum. Sure enough, it was my child who was causing the entire boy’s bedding section to clear out.

It doesn’t matter how big your little ones are or how many kids you have, bringing them to the store is a lot like throwing up. You never want to do it, but when the time comes, you realize you have no choice – and you know you’ll feel so much better when it’s over.

Thankfully, there are a few things you can do to help delay the running, chasing, timeouts, side swiping, spilling, crying, screaming, urinating or accidental stealing. One of my favorites is feeding the kids snacks while grocery shopping. Stop by the deli counter with a cart full of noisy kids and you’ll see even the longest line thin out so fast, the deli lady will give away free slices of cheese to all your children.

Unfortunately, this keeps them quiet for approximately one aisle.

Another thing you can do is try to make shopping seem like a fun activity. I used to put my kids in those obnoxiously wide mini-van-style kiddie carts so they could pretend to drive while I shopped. This sounds all nifty until you go shopping in aisles that are so narrow, you’ll get side-swiped if you hold a box of cereal the wrong way.

When shopping with kids, be swift and efficient. Don’t think, just shop. Try to get in and out as fast as you can. I like to collect as many edible products as possible while keeping their little fingers and toes inside the cart and simultaneously crossing items off my list. I don’t mind substituting American cheese for Swiss. I’ll sort it out later and deal with any extra cheese on my thighs after they hit college.

I once raced through the automatic doors of a local grocery store with smiling children in tow, swept past the produce aisle, grabbed the greenest bunch bananas and over-ripe strawberries, and upon reaching the bakery, nearly ran over an elderly store clerk, knocked down a cake display and apologized to three customers as I flew past the aisles. We blocked the exit doorway for a full minute when my then two-year-old refused to move out of the way. By the time I picked her up and put her back in the cart, she was crying so hard, I thought someone was going to call the local authorities.

Another thing you can do is pretend to look like you’ve got everything under control even when you’re about to snap. I have this annoying tendency to whisper-yell to my kids when they start to misbehave in a store. “No,” “Get back in the cart.” “Put that down.” “Stop touching your sister.” “Don’t put that in your mouth.” “Use your manners.” “Get back here this instant.” Get back in the cart. Stop doing that. Put that down!” Now my voice is getting louder and people are starting to stare. I start fake smiling and nodding at people as they pass by.

At this point, I should have already left the store, as my “intelligent parenting” books suggest. But when I’m out with my kids, my inner idiot tends to shine. I forget any semblance of common sense. After all, I only have three items left on my list and I can’t just leave.

That’s me as I read “The HORRORS of Shopping with Kids” during the 2013 Providence Listen to Your Mother Show in May. 

This method of mothering, not surprisingly, isn’t very impressive. It gives off the “So, you’re the crazy lady with kids” looks.

By the time I get the kids in the car, I think I’ve crossed off everything on my shopping list along with every “Don’t” parenting tip imaginable.

Just as we’re pulling into the driveway, I notice that everyone is quiet. There’s no spilling, pushing, crying, screaming or urinating. Everyone is great. As I start putting away the groceries, I think, “Maybe it wasn’t that bad.” Maybe the nightmare was just my imagination. Until I realize we forgot the milk.

Another link: This one is now on YouTube, my friends. So proud of my fellow Listen to Your Mother sisters for their performances. (And for your kindness as I had just wiped away the tears after hearing all of their amazing pieces before reading this.)

Sound familiar?

“Mom, I’m bored.”

“Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom.”

– “Yes.”

“I’m bored.”

Are your kids suffering from what I like to call, Suburban Summer Angst?

“Oh, the HORROR!” (And yes, I’m saying this in jest with a fake and very verklempt Rhode Island accent (the correct pronunciation in the RI Dictionary is, “Haaaaarwwwwwrrww-ah).

I mean, there’s nothing worse than BORED KIDS!

Frankly… it’s our summer mommy sanity on the line, right?

We literally just came back from vacation (sand still in my flip flops) and my kids are already starting with the “Mom, I’m bored.”

Don’t even get me started.

“There’s nothing to do, Mom.”

– “Go play, honey!”

“No one is home.”

– “Then play with your sister.”

“Really?”

“Sally can’t play and so and so is gone all summer long.”

– “Then call ____.”

“She’s not home either and there’s NOTHING to do.”

– “Nothing to do? I’ll give you something to do! In fact I’ll give you 25 things to do!”

I mean it too!

If you’re looking for some ideas to beat summer boredom, check out my latest Ask Mom Online RI column. https://onlineri.com/articles/ask_mom Enjoy! (For the love of mommy sanity…enjoy!) 😉