There are so many witty and wonderful moms I’ve connected with since launching this blog, it makes me smile. There’s nothing like meeting genuine moms. You know that feeling you get when you meet a fellow mom for the first time and you can instantly tell if she’s a total bi**h? As if her kids’ diapers don’t stink? As if you’re the only woman on the planet that’s a flake at times? Sorry, but it’s true. Hello – like a snotty mom I keep running into in town who pretends I don’t exist? (Oh, I’ll vent about this another time, believe you me.) Well, this mom is not a snot. She’s genuine. She is a friendly mom blogger and her name is Kelly Bevan McIlquham. You may know her as Renaissance Mom. We have a ton in common, including our love of “Just Jack” from Will & Grace. And SNL’s Mary Catherine Gallagher. I could go on and on. Kelly is a mother of three and her attitude is positively contagious. We met via the Blogosphere and she of all people won my book in a recent giveaway from RhodyMamas (two other very awesome blogging mamas I’ve gotten to know who are sponsors of Julie Loffredi’s Give and Glam event. A girls’ night/book signing event I’m participating in with fellow author Raina Smith on June 7 at NYLO Lounge in Warwick, RI.). And I digress, of all people, she won my book. AFTER we got to be bloggy mom friends. Then she asked me to do a guest post! And she did a review/giveaway of my book. How awesome is that? Here is a link to my guest post featured this week on Renaissance Mom. Enjoy – and thanks again, Kelly. You are a SUPER STAR! http://renaissance-mom.com/tag/jackie-hennessey/
You’re a mom. Your body has been through hell in a hand basket. (Not to mention many pairs of God forsaken netted hospital panties.) At some point, your body is done with the whole “Before” and “After” crap. Thanks to Jillian Michaels and other ass-kicking fitness experts, we finally settle on a lifestyle where we feel healthy and happy with our bodies. We run. We walk. We cut back on crap food. We do exercise classes. God knows we try. But what the eff, may I ask, is up with the “Arm Dangle”? You know, that abundance of fat on the inner arm. For this mom who recently turned 41, I didn’t realize that I’d be so young when I would be introduced to the Arm Dangle. No, I thought I would be 88 when my arms would wave along with me. I’d have white hair and teach stretching at the senior center. Every time I’d lift my arm, it would jiggle and smell like Sanka. And all the other blue-hairs would lift their Arm Dangles along with me. No, it was not until I recently saw a picture of myself and had to ask, “Who is the old chick on the right with the fat arms? No, really, whose arm is that? WTF, what’s wrong with this picture?” Then I saw another picture, and yet another, with white mounds of flesh looking like they were stretching out to sea. “Holy tamale, that’s ME!” I will admit I like to eat. Always have, always will. But I exercise a lot too. Someone please tell me what’s happening to my body. And WHY is it necessary for extra flab to gravitate to this random (but oh so obvious) part of my body at this time of my life – especially when the summer is quickly approaching? And cute, colorful sleeveless blouses are finally on sale? Why is it that no matter how much I work out, how careful I am about the food I eat, it’s inevitable that the camera will capture this particular part of my arm in such a way that it looks like both arms are ready to set sail? And no matter how hard I try to crop the photo, these repulsive mounds of useless flesh stretch on and on and on, beyond the crop line. Flash back 1,800 years ago. Say I’m wandering the wilderness with my baby wrapped in animal skin, I can see the use for this excess flab. Subsisting on nothing but berries and bark, that extra body fat could come in handy on day four of an involuntary fast. I could live off of it for several days, weeks even. But what purpose does it serve now and how the heck can I get rid of it? I recently tried a week-long tone up and work out schedule. I was pretty proud of myself. Then in yet another picture, I caught a glimpse of my winged friends. Thankfully, I did find a trick in a magazine that says if you place your hand on your hip, it diminishes the appearance of inner arm flab. Please make a note of this the next time you see a photo of me. It’s my new pose, girl, and I’m stickin’ to it!
I have to shout out a big thank you to all the familiar faces who showed up at my book signing event at Hollies in Barrington last night. You all rock! I co-hosted the fun “Whine, wine, cheese and jewelry” book signing event with one of the most beautiful moms I know, Diane. Yes, she is one of those women who is genuine and effortlessly gorgeous. She doesn’t wear make-up because she doesn’t need it. Her hair is naturally light blonde. She pulls her hair into a pony tail and looks better than any gal that just came from a salon. (Meaning me.) She makes incredible jewelry and I’m wearing her fab metal earrings right now. Aside from the back fat I’ve gained practically over-night since turning 41, I feel awesome in them! Thank you, Diane and thank you, Holly Smith, (the fab owner of Hollies who had to put up with me in my oh-for-the-love-of-Christmas-planning mode over the past few weeks)! You both rock! XXOO
Do you live in Rhode Island? Then you won’t have to drive far! (Or as the locals say, “Faaah”.) I hope you can join me Thursday, May 17, for a mommy’s night out-style book signing & retail therapy event at Hollies gift shop in Barrington from 7 to 9 p.m. My mommy friend, Diane Stratton, is a talented artist, RISD alum and she’ll be showing her gorgeous line of metal-smith jewelry. It’s all about whine, wine, cheese and shopping, my friend. So I hope you can stop by! www.holliesontheavenue.com/
Were you treated like a movie star on Mother’s Day? I’m sure you were, because you deserve it. Happy belated Mother’s Day to you! You GO! So, I woke to sweet hugs and hand-written cards from my 8-year-old, breakfast in bed, balloons, flowers, cards, more hugs (even a precious embrace from my 11-year-old son) and lots of giggles. Then on to a busy but fun day visiting family, including my beautiful 85-year-old grandmother who has a way of lighting up my day despite her reflections on every depressing news story known to man. Bless her heart. I know she can’t help herself. After a long and eventful day driving from one side of the state to the next, I put my children (and husband) to bed, grabbed a cold bottle of beer and proceeded to rent the most appropriate movie to watch on Mother’s Day (without anyone else around, of course), Mommie Dearest. If you ever feel like you’re a bad mom, watch this movie. If you ever feel like you’re getting a little soft in the parental disciplining area, watch this movie. No word of a lie, you will feel like the world’s most loving, giving mother. You will be up there with Mother Teresa. Faye Dunaway is so good at playing a crazy, obsessive and abusive Hollywood mother, I spent the better part of my childhood thinking she actually was insane. (But I know now that she’s just one heck of an actress!) I would like to take this opportunity to say to my children that you can have all the wire hangers you want. All the toys you want. I honestly don’t care how you hang your clothes. Nor do I ever want to see either of you scrub the bathroom floor until your knuckles burn. Because I love you unconditionally. Happy Mother’s Day! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOILKHmZBwc
I want to extend a big thank you to The Savory Grape in East Greenwich, RI for a wonderful book signing and wine tasting event Wednesday evening. Thank you, Jessica Granatiero and Sabrina Solares-Hand. The turn-out left this mom speechless. (In a good way!) So many familiar faces, such fine wine (fittingly sponsored by The Girls in the Vineyard from California), so little time. Thank you! And Happy Mother’s Day!
I’m shameless, so I’ll show you which movie I watched by myself.
Do you have a movie you’re embarrassed to say you watched by yourself? I confessed that I watched this movie, so come on. Please throw me a bone here, ladies.
My husband was away on business recently. Although my kids and I missed him, we had our routine down pretty good every day. After all the carpooling and rushing around, I was relieved to eat my dinner over the sink and stay up late watching chick flicks after the kids went to bed. I shamelessly watched a movie one night starring Miley Cyrus that made me cry so hard, I had to blow my nose and wash my face twice. As if this wasn’t embarrassing enough, I noticed that at the bottom of the movie credits, Netflix recommended movies and shows based on what I had recently watched. Every TV show and movie listed was appropriate for a 14 year old girl. I was mortified. Need I say more?
From finding a bleeping red crayon in the white wash to spit up on your only decent post-pregnancy blouse, I’ve been there. I feel your pain. We’re moms. Regardless of the ages of our children, there is a universal understanding when we hear the humorous term, “mommy insanity”. (Along with a shameless sense of satisfaction when we hear tales of motherhood-driven “insanity” from other moms.).Well, moms, I want to hear from you! It’s YOUR turn to share YOUR funny story. I invite you to send in YOUR STORY. YOUR WHINE. YOUR VENT. Do you have a mommy whine that you’d love to see in print? I will be selecting stories for my next book. YOUR story could be featured! Write to me today at firstname.lastname@example.org. Please include MOMMY INSANITY in the subject line. Please, no entries over 1,000 words. (The shorter, the wittier, the better.) Think back to an experience that you’ll NEVER forget. Something that makes you laugh today. Something that can help other moms feel a little less insane. Send in your story and enter to win a signed copy of my book, “How to Spread Sanity on a Cracker”. Winners will be chosen this summer and announced here at http://www.ventingsessions.com! Please make sure to include your name, home town and phone number. The deadline for entries is June 10 at 5 p.m. Good luck!
I’m a sucker for sweets. But I also GET that I need to eat better. If you’re in the mood for chocolate, and nothing else will do, you have to read this article filled with healthier dessert recipes.
Your child complains of having a headache when she comes home from school, but between all the after school activities, you give her a Children’s Tylenol and think “she’ll be fine”. She wakes up with a fever the next day, making you feel like the worst mother EVER.