Monthly Archives: June 2013

Mommy Headband

10 Monday Jun 2013

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I swear I just had my hair highlighted a few weeks ago. But right now, I’m experiencing what I like to refer to as “Mommy Headband”. This means I HAVE to wear a headband to hide my roots. Or a pony tail to mask my dead ends. Plus it’s been raining off and on. And I have to wear a hat when it’s sunny out because I’m….42. Those days of laying out in the driveway with my best friends on a hot Texas day? And spraying baby oil on our faces and bodies? They are….over. If I don’t wear SPF 25 and cover my head in some fashion, I get a sun-burned scalp and raccoon eyes where my sunglasses were. Yes, I’ve officially turned into my mother.

I get that I live in New England now. It takes longer to get a tan… or even a burn. (In places where I forgot to rub in the sunscreen.) It also means your dark roots start to show a mere three and a half weeks after a highlighting. I love my hair stylist. Patrick is the best. It’s not his fault I have dirty blond hair and live in Rhode Island. This never happened when I lived in Texas. (Because the driveway absorbed the sun like Sponge Bob to salt water and meant I’d get major blond highlights for free!)

I’m here to let you know it’s OK to let your roots shine, girls. It happens from time to time. So wear your Mommy Headband with pride.

Do you know how many moms out there don’t even have the time to get their hair done professionally? They’re lucky to fit in a shower in between all the night feedings and toddler tantrums.

I know you may be desperate. But be patient. Don’t do anything stupid. Like…I did. I think I’ve had 50 shades of blond through the years. When I was in college, I used to have my roommates do my hair. And I used Sun In. After the second semester of my freshman year, my hair was so damaged, it turned orange. My brother told me I looked like something I don’t even want to repeat. And my parents didn’t even recognize me! For the love of Sarah Jessica Parker, my mom had to dye my hair back to normal with a bottle.

One of my dearest friends brought my roots to my attention when I was working full-time. During my second month there! I was so embarrassed! At the time, my son was three and my daughter was six months old. Oh my, I remember those days. A shower was an accomplishment. I have a mommy friend who shares pictures of her dark roots on Facebook, God bless her!

Here’s a thought: The next time a fellow mom shares her personal root rage with you, offer to take care of her kids for a couple of hours so she can have some time for herself to get her hair done. If Samantha did it for Miranda in Sex and the City, it’s the least you can do!

Mother of Pearl

04 Tuesday Jun 2013

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We all accidentally swear in front of our kids. You’ve done it. I’ve done it.

We all do it.

Shoot happens. But I will say, through the years, I’ve tried relentlessly to use substitute swear words in front of my kids. Unfortunately, when something happens that’s out of my control……I panic. I forget. I temporarily lose “mommy” control. And although I want the oh-so-satisfying profanities to release themselves into the wild, I catch myself. And I try NOT to say THAT eff-in WORD at the last minute.

For example:

* When I ran downstairs recently, took one wretched whiff and realized my dog had gone #2 loosely all over the family room rug, my kids heard me scream, then shout, “SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhh

UUUUUUUGGGGAR.”

* When I burned myself on my daughter’s cute mini cupcake maker, (which I swear was modeled after Arrested Development’s illegal-in-the-U.S. Cornballer machine) my kids might hear: “HOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLL

LLYYYYYYYY

SHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHuuuugar” spew out of my mouth.

* When I hit my elbow (for the umpteenth time) on the corner of the kitchen counter, all they hear is:

“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

uuuuuddddge.”

These words are incredibly lame. I know this. But they must be used….most of the time at least. Or else my children would think their mother is indeed a sailor.

Other favorite phrases in my house that my grandmother frowns at, but I think are passable for good parenting?

– “For the love of…… Christmas”

– “Dang it”

– “Jinkies”(Courtesy of Scooby Doo!)

– “Beetle juice”

– “Flippin'”

– “O M Goodness”

– “Mother of Pearl”

– “Praise Jeebus” (thanks to Homer Simpson)

– “Fahrvergnügen”

– “Holy Tamale”

– And my personal favorite…”Son of a……”

I’m not an idiot. I know my kids don’t live under a rock. I get that they recognize REAL swear words. They watch PG and PG-13 movies (from the 1980’s, mind you) sometimes. It’s all about the ear-muffs, right? When they hear a bad word, my husband and I will warn them, “Ear-muff it, kids. If you accidentally hear it, NEVER use that word”. And they jokingly cover their ears. (Foot note: This method of parenting is courtesy of Vince Vaughn’s role in the movie Old School, thank you very much.)

But as long as I am their mother, I will keep trying! Gosh help me, I will keep trying.

For the record, when my daughter started talking, she had a difficult time putting T and R together. As you may have guessed, almost everything beginning with T or TH winds up sounding like F. This is not a good thing for a variety of reasons. Every time she would see a fire truck, my youngest child would shout out the F word, (and I’m not talking about flippin) repeatedly, for everyone to hear. And all my substitute phrases, along with my mommy pride, would fly out the window. Son of a, holy, for the love of…Mother of PEARL!!