How did your week go? Did you get through the first day of school OK? I can’t lie – I was a little stressed out the night before. Oh, I don’t know why. Maybe because my daughter was starting the third grade and my son, my first born, was starting junior high school. Yes JUNIOR HIGH. As in Diary of a Wimpy Kid first day of school, only I was the one stressing, not my son. Although there were no middle of the night panic attacks involving Captain Crunch, I did what I usually do when I’m nerve-wracked about something. I get all excited, eat chocolate and can’t get to sleep. I think I slept about three hours (if that), (in fits) the night before. These were the thoughts going through my head:

“Will I wake up in time?” 

“Will the kids remember to wake me up if the alarm doesn’t go off?”

“Will he find his locker?”

“Will he remember his combination?”

“Will he get to home room OK?”

“Will my daughter know where her classroom is?”

“Will she know what her teacher looks like?”

“What if I forget to pack something?”

“What if we miss the bus?”

So, yes, I woke up in a panic, and drank way too much caffeine. The kids woke up, all excited too, with PLENTY of time. They got dressed. They ate their breakfast, and I packed their lunches (and yes, I remembered to place them in their backpacks). They listened and brushed their teeth on time. It was a dream. Then I hugged them goodbye. I thought I’d die. Some tears spilled out, but I tried to keep my composure for their sake. They both got off to school JUST FINE. Then I carried on with my work-from-home day, trying not to obsess.

I picked up my son from school. I see him across the parking lot and he is fine, smiling ear to ear. He starts going on and on about all the cool things he did, from lockers to lunch with all his friends. I was so excited for him, and so proud. He did it. He got through the big day without any hiccups! (My daughter had a wonderful day too without any issues.) After my son finished, I was so happy, but cried a little on the inside. All I kept thinking was, How can it be? How did this happen? I remember being in the sixth grade like it was yesterday. It just amazes me how fast they grow up. I’m so proud of them, so proud to be their mom. I have a feeling this is just the beginning. Don’t even talk to me about high school. I may be all cried out now, but I’ll be a big mess when that time comes.
PLEASE DON’T FORGET: I’m still accepting mommy story entries and dessert recipes for my next book! YOUR mommy insanity tale or dessert recipe could be featured in my next book. The deadline is August 31! Please send your entry to jackie@ventingsessions.com. Please include MOMMY INSANITY in the subject line. Thank you! And thanks to those who have already sent in some great stories & recipes – you rock!

I haven’t even had a chance to finish my tea, but I woke up with these thoughts, so you’ll have to forgive the un-caffeinated, grammatical error of my ways. But, please, someone throw me a bone: Why are Halloween decorations already on display? I haven’t even had a chance to get my end-of-summer-oh-my-goodness-my-hair-looks-like-hay roots done, and we’re already getting ready for Halloween? What happened to living in the present? Why does everything have to feel so rushed all the time? I know I’ve been totally impatient about things all my life.
“How long until I get that promotion?”
“What sex is the baby?”
“Why can’t I have an epidural now?”
“Why isn’t he potty trained yet?”
“How did the Terrible Twos suddenly fast-forward to the eff-in fours?”
Well into my 30’s I was kind of an impatient spaz. Okay, so I felt that way last week. But today, as a 40-something mom with old-phart tendencies, I’ve started to chill a little. To learn to take things as they come. To, as my kids say, “Chill-ax” a little. (At least before my kids become teenagers!)
And speaking of impatience, I find this so enlightening: When it’s Spring Break, the kids are beside themselves because they have a WHOLE week off. But the week before school starts? It’s like we need to start splashing Vitamin D juice to the masses. “We only have a week of summer left?” my daughter asked yesterday. The look on her face said it all. And she likes school! “Only a weeeeeeeeeeeek before school starts?” It’s like the Great Depression has swept through the neighborhood. Yet you can sense a euphoric cloud hover above the mothers, as we wait oh-so-patiently for the school bus to arrive. “Oh, yes, honey, school starts in a WEEK!” Only a week until momma can get back on track.
(I would like to mention that this does NOT relate to mothers who have not yet experienced the trauma of sending their little ones to kindergarten. I too was one of those blubbering mommies who bawled when the yellow school bus left, carrying my back-packed cutie.)

I’m loving the last couple weeks of summer with my kids. (And reading the last 100 or so pages of 50 Shades of Grey.) Yes, I shamelessly purchased a copy of this controversial book last week. It helps keep me sane. I bought it the other day when I was at the mall purchasing some kid-movie posters for my 11-year-old son. Who knew I could find this book where they sell mini figurines of Marge Simpson? Comic book stores sure have changed. So, I’m a sucker for mindless summer beach reading? I can’t help it!  

Speaking of mom-appropriate reading,I’m still accepting mommy story entries and dessert recipes for my next book! Remember, YOUR story of mommy insanity or recipe could be featured in my next book! The deadline is August 31! Send your entry to jackie@ventingsessions.com. Please include MOMMY INSANITY in the subject line. No entries over 1,000 words. Thank you! And thanks to those who have sent in some great stories & recipes already!

Be honest. Do your eyes hurt? Exactly how late did you stay up last night? What time do you think you went to bed the night before? I ask you this, with circles under my eyes. Granted, my kids are 8 and 11. I have not had a night feeding in 7 1/2 years. And speaking of bottles, I’ve barely had a beer since we came back from vacation. I have discovered something about myself the past couple of weeks. I am an old lady. An old phart. I have been staying up way past my oh-so-over-40-with-kids bedtime. And it’s not because I’m out partying. I get tired just watching the cast of Jersey Shore go out until 4:30 a.m. for crying out loud. I have been staying up late almost every night watching the NBC prime time coverage of the Olympics. Now, we had an adventurous summer. We white water rafted along the Arkansas River and biked down the Colorado Rockies as a family.  We spent a week at the Vineyard too. But all I want to do lately, after I put the kids to bed, is watch who wins what on NBC. I don’t want to break for popcorn or the girls’ room. I want to watch Team USA make their dreams come true. I want to hear who sacrificed what to get to the Games. (And then shamelessly spot a celebrity in the crowd). I even bought myself an adorable Alex and Ani Olympic Games bracelet recently to show my team spirit. For I am and always will be an Olympics addict. Now, I wake up the next morning a little groggy, dying for my Green tea fix. I even went on a Diet Pepsi binge in an attempt to erase my self-induced insomnia marathon. I may not be an athlete. (I’ve done occasional 5Ks and triathlons and love Pilates.) But there’s nothing quite like a comfy bed, some extra pillows and the Olympics on the tube. I will gladly endure sleep deprivation a little longer until the Games are over. Then I’ll go back to being my normal, get-up-and-go-mommy-who-tries-to-do-too-much and get to bed on time self. Go Team USA!

We’ve been traveling a lot this summer as a family. And I must say, all kidding aside, we’ve been having a blast. I’m so proud of my kids for withstanding long car rides, curly Colorado roads, oxygen-depleting altitudes, and oh-so-off-the-routine sleep and snack schedules. My body is going to cry when I get back to Pilates! I’m still on CO time and boy was I starving for lunch at 3 p.m. yesterday. Although we all felt grateful we had a chance to spend time with cousins in the mountains, we were all secretly excited to get back home. I came back to loads of work, an inch of non-highlighted roots, 10 pounds of water weight, a dog barking for our attention, and toes that so needed a pedicure yesterday. Not to mention a lonely looking blog. Thanks to my dear friends at Merely Mothers, I was able to write a guest blog for them that I could re-post for you here! Yay! Thanks, Merely Mothers – you gals are the bomb! Guest Post

The second one of my kids hints the words, “I’m bored,” I start acting like my mother. This can be a good thing…and a not so good thing.

We recently came back from a trip to Martha’s Vineyard. The sand was still stuck to the back of my legs when my 8-year-old starts in with the mom-there-is-nothing-to-do-oh-my-goodness-what-am-I-gonna-do-I’m-so-bored-isms. I respond the way moms responded in the 1950’s, hoping there won’t be any negative consequences. “Go play.”

But there was no one to play with on that particular day. I knew it. She knew it. Even the dog knew it. Literally, everyone was out of town on our street. (My 11-year-old, mind you, was happily glued to his iPad in one of the three rooms where we have an obnoxious window air-conditioning unit blasting.) I was too fried to plan a play date or frankly do anything special (besides picking up groceries and unpacking). Heck, we just came back from a week away in the Vineyard and avoided Jaws! Then, I took a look at my car. It was unrecognizable. I’m not sure where the strands of dog fur ended and the sand began. I knew JUST what to do. “Honey, you’re going to help mommy wash the car.” We vacuumed, wiped and shined that baby. Then we vacuumed some more. We cleaned until my daughter realized just how exhausted she was too. Mommy mission accomplished. At least for another summer day!

Because I get how busy moms get, I’m extending the deadline for MOMMY INSANITY STORIES & DESSERT RECIPES to August 31! Remember, your story or dessert recipe could be in my next book! Contact me today at jackie@ventingsessions.com!

This is an easy one: Go for a bike ride with your kid(s). This is how I started my day today. And I feel 8 again! (Riding in 77-degree New England weather helps.) And I’d advise against wearing white shorts. 🙂 Here is a link to some fun and inexpensive ways to enjoy the summer with your kids: http://voices.yahoo.com/inexpensive-ways-enjoy-summer-children-1426105.html?cat=25

By the way, should you decide to NOT indulge in ice cream with your kids, be very careful NOT to buy all natural Greek yogurt bars. They taste like……cold wood. Just go for the ice cream sundae and exercise in the morning!

Don’t you just love spontaneous neighborhood play dates? Oh, the things you can do when your kids are out of the house for even the tiniest blocks of time. I once fit in a long conference call, folded several loads of laundry and swept and mopped my kitchen floor, without ever having to hang up the phone. Had my kids been in the house on this particularly busy afternoon, those clothes would still be piled on top of the dryer and my kitchen floor would resemble a diner after lunch time. I’d definitely be locked in the bathroom just to hear my own voice. Now stop your judging.  I’m not a play date whore.  I mean, well, you know what I mean. What I’m trying to say is I try to reciprocate when it comes to play dates. We like to host mega play dates at our home. There have been times when it looks like we’re having a birthday party in my backyard because there are so many kids here at one time. I get to be that Kool Aid mom I always wanted to be. (At least for a couple of hours before the wheels come off and I start to snap!)

Don’t you love summer? The lazy mornings. Sand in the sheets. Shell collections throughout the house. There are a million things I love to do with my kids in the summer. From being buried in the sand to riding to Starbucks in our PJs (so our dog can get a free cup of whipped cream). We go to the park, diner, ice cream shop, beach, pool, gift shop, movies, library and even the museum. We do so much together, I’ve often been called the FUN FACTORY. And I love it. Except when I’m on deadline and have five loads of laundry, dog hair everywhere and a ton of conference calls. Then I get frazzled. And I refer to myself as the EFF-IN SUMMER FUN FACTORY. And I turn on the TV to help take a load off. And then the mommy guilt sets in. If one of my children dares to spew out the words, “I’m bored” (especially after hours at the beach) don’t even try me. I will get cranky.  And if you know what’s good for you, don’t EVER ask me to weigh myself during this time of year either. During the summer, if I dare to skip just two days of exercising, what I’ve eaten over that 48-hour period is somehow planted on my hips, butt and bloated belly. Oh, I may jog with my dog and keep up with the Pilates planking. I may eat my veggies every day. But mark my words, I will retain every frozen lemonade, cherry Popsicle and lobster roll that I indulge in until September 2.

Because I get how busy moms are in the summer, I’m extending the deadline for MOMMY INSANITY STORIES & DESSERT RECIPES to August 31! Remember, your story or dessert recipe could be in my next book! Please contact me today at jackie@ventingsessions.com! https://ventingsessionsdotcom.wordpress.com/2012/06/05/sanity-by-chocolate/

Do you try to do too much every day? No matter how hard you try, you can’t stop yourself from doing one more thing? Washing another dish? Folding another pillow case? Answering another email? Cramming in another conference call? Do you tire yourself out and then snap at everyone? Do you volunteer for too many things and then find yourself overwhelmed? Is the word “No” not part of your everyday vocabulary? Girl, you are sorta, kinda…a mommy martyr and it sounds like you need some mommy martyr re-hab. (Or a night out with the girls!) I’ve tried to create more of a balance in my life lately, but I still have my days. There are times when I have three minutes to spare to pick up my kids from practices or playdates, but for some reason, I run late. All because I’m trying to cram in one more thing. I have a neighbor who admits you can count on her to be EXACTLY five minutes late for everything. Why do we do this to ourselves?  What goes on inside our heads? We’re moms, not martyrs!

I had about 10 bags worth of groceries stuffed into a tiny hand-held cart the other day. I swear it weighed 45 pounds. You’d think I would have grabbed a shopping cart with wheels. A young cashier even asked me if I wanted a big cart and I STILL said, “No, thank you!”  (As my 40-something back started to ache.) As if I had something to prove to a 17-year-old grocery store employee who calls me “Ma’am”! It didn’t dawn on me until I was in my driveway that I was TOTALLY acting like a mommy martyr. Quick sidebar and mommy martyr justification: My kids weren’t with me, so I actually got more shopping done in that 12-minute span than I would have in an hour WITH kids.

Are you sorta, kinda…a mommy martyr too? Let it out, moms!

You know that your babies aren’t babies anymore. But there’s nothing like staying in a state of mommy denial. (Or daddy denial for all those wonderful fathers out there who celebrated Father’s Day yesterday! Happy Belated Father’s day!) At least for a little while. Like a distant relative used to say (who saw me and my brother once every two years), “They’re growing like weeds!” My two kids honestly are growing like weeds. There, I said it. But they’re still my babies. I see that they’re growing up. I know they’re big. They are 11 and 8, not 2 and 5. I don’t treat them like babies. I get that they are saying things I used to say to my parents (in a way that’s a lot cooler than my 1980s Texas Valley girl slang, thankfully). But I still can’t believe it.  Over the past few weeks, with all their end of school year events & activities, I’ve managed to stay in a perpetual state of mommy denial. And recently, as I unintentionally fried my forehead sitting through my son’s 5th grade end of year celebration, it hit me. Slathering on some sunscreen a few hours too late, I realized to myself, “This is really happening.” My son is actually heading into the 6th grade. I started to tear up a little. I remember 6th grade. It can’t be. He is not a baby anymore. I’m outwardly happy that he’s excited to go to junior high. That he sings along to Flo Rida the way I listened to Madonna when I was 11. (And last week.) But inside, I’m a mess. A wreck. It comes on at the most random times too. I was fixing a peanut butter sandwich the other morning when my son casually reminded me that he was heading to a field trip at the Middle School. The Middle School – where he’ll be going to school at the end of August! “Oh,” I heard myself say. And then, before I could finish cutting my whole grain masterpiece into two triangular wedges, it hit me again. My baby boy is growing up. I dropped the butter knife and sat on the tile. I was embarrassing myself, sitting there all emotional, like ….like Mrs. Cunningham in Happy Days. As I sat, wiping my tears with a totally-on-sale-at-Target-and-not-name-brand-or-soft-in-the-least paper towel, my husband turned to my son and said, “If you know what’s good for you, you better go hug your mom right now.” I embraced my 11-year-old for a few seconds, looked into his eyes and apologized for losing it. Then I started laughing. We all started giggling. I went into the bathroom, blew my nose (with a totally awesome soft tissue that I did NOT buy on sale), washed my hands, and walked back into the kitchen like everything was hunky dory. At least for a little while. Inside, I was still asking: What the heck happened? When did my baby boy become a tween? And when, for the love of Joanie Loves Chachi, did I start crying like Mrs. C?

I’m so thankful that my husband and I no longer have to spend vacations in random airports hoping and praying we land on time in the right city with the right luggage without missing connections because of bad weather. Let’s just say we had our fair share of issues in the frequent flyer department when our son was little. The “red eye” can kiss my behind and so can eight-hour flights with three stops with a baby that gets random bouts of motion sickness during take-off and landing. In honor of those times, we recently popped on a movie that really hits home for anyone traveling – Planes, Trains and Automobiles. You know, the one with Steve Martin and John Candy? I will let this TRAILER speak for itself.

I managed to polish off yet another jar of dark chocolate covered almonds today. It took a few days, but I did it. In my mind, it’s all good. It wasn’t a candy bar. Or a Ho Ho. Or a piece of Death by Chocolate Cake (that stuff is better than ….ya know). Well, maybe not, but, it IS pretty amazing. OK, so I admit it. I’m a chocoholic. When it’s not in my pantry, I tend to get a little desperate. I may head for brownie mix, dry Ovaltine flakes or even unsweetened baking chocolate to get my fix. Some people have their issues. I’m addicted to chocolate. Sue me. At least I eat healthy otherwise. I exercise at least four times a week too. But if I don’t have chocolate every day, you honestly don’t want to be around me. Nor do you even want to have a phone conversation with me. I get a little, how do I put this nicely? Cranky. I once tried to go cold turkey. Eight hours later, my daughter found me sitting in the pantry shoveling down stale crumbs from an old bag of chocolate chips. It wasn’t pretty. So this is where you come in. No worries, I’m NOT asking you to supply my pantry with a week’s worth of chocolate, I promise. I’m not THAT desperate. (It could actually be dangerous.) But I would love it if you could share your favorite dessert recipe for my next book. I’m writing another book with more mommy whines and recipes! To help spread MORE sanity to moms! And the recipes I’m featuring will be DESSERTS! If you have a dessert recipe you’d like to share, one that you like to indulge in when you get together with the girls, please email me today at jackie@ventingsessions.com. It does NOT have to have chocolate in the ingredients. But it does have to be sweet. It could be healthy too! Please make sure to put Mommy Desserts in the Subject. Send in your recipe & it could be chosen for my next book! And you could win a signed copy of my book, How to Spread Sanity on a Cracker. Please enter your recipe soon! And please include your name, home town and email address. If you wish to remain anonymous, please indicate that in your email. Deadline for dessert recipe entries: July 10 at 5 p.m.
I’m still accepting mommy story entries for my book. And because I’m a sucker for moms with busy schedules, I’m extending the deadline for “Mommy Insanity” entries to June 18! Remember, YOUR story could be featured in my next book! Send your entry to jackie@ventingsessions.com. Please include MOMMY INSANITY in the subject line. No entries over 1,000 words. (The shorter, the wittier, the better.) Think back to an experience that you’ll NEVER forget. Something that makes you laugh today. Something that can help other moms feel a little less insane. Please make sure to include your name, home town and email address. Thank you! And as a special thank you, I’d like to re-post one of my favorite SNL skits celebrating chocolate with Tina Fey: The Brownie Husband. https://ventingsessionsdotcom.wordpress.com/2012/03/05/the-brownie-man-can/