Best Actress winner Julianne Moore was quoted at the 2015 Oscars for admitting, “My dogs are more work than my kids”.

Although I have been known to buy magazines just because this actress is on the cover, after she said this, it made me swoon over Julianne even Moore. (Have I mentioned that both Julianne and I have pale skin? Um, hello, we’re practically twins.)

OK, I get that kids are hard. But right now, aside from some emotional exhaustion, (mine and theirs), I have to say my children are at ideal ages right now. When your kids get older: They wipe their own boogers, bums and dishes (thankfully not in that order). When they’re past toddlerhood, take my advice: TRAVEL WITH THEM AS MUCH AS YOU CAN. Aside from being embarrassed by the fact that you’re singing Madonna’s “Holiday” while blocking the aisle, they still like you.

As Mommy Law has it, because motherhood has granted me a temporary pause from total (physical) mommy exhaustion, a new kind of paws has entered my life:

Two dogs.

Not just one. But two.

Both Goldens. After taking home a beautiful female English cream puppy, Maggie, a couple months ago, I have to say I’m in love.

And effing exhausted.

Yes, as a family, we get to snuggle two adorable dogs.

We love them very much.

I’m so proud …and pooped.

Did I mention that we now have two dogs?

Not just one, but two.

My oldest canine son, Marley, is a handsome (and he knows it) five-year-old Golden. If you come over, he will “greet” you by basically making out with your hand. He doesn’t bite. Just sucks on your palm, arm or sleeve. And when I’m on the phone, he barks at me.

So Maggie and Marley are buddies now. They nap together. Play together. Wrestle together (not like that!).

Buuuuutttt… I’m also dealing with two of everything now.

Twice the amount of pond-water drenched dog hair.

Twice the fur balls.

Twice the urine.

Twice the in-house bombs.

Twice the lawn poopsicles.

Twice the car trouble. As in, Maggie tends to cry in the car. Every time we drive somewhere. And she got a little nervous going to the groomers recently and I don’t think my car will ever be smell the same.

And twice the “incidents”. Let’s just say we used to have 23 ducks in our front “huge puddle pond,” but now it’s deserted.

I haven’t slept well in I don’t know how many weeks, my eyes have turned to slits. And I have cleaned up so many messes while trying to house-train this puppy during the WORST WINTER EVER, my hands look like they belong on the “before” shot in a Palmolive commercial.

Hmmmm. This feels very familiar. All of this exhaustion reminds me of something. A certain time in my life when I thought I was going a little wacky.

Out-of-my-mind.

Ah, yes.

Toddlerhood.

So, in case you’re thinking about getting a second dog, I’ve created this little list for you. Just give it a little glance over. Give it a little pause. And hopefully I’ll have this puppy house-trained by Labor Day!2015-02-14 19.11.57

Why puppies are like toddlers:

  • They whine.
  • They pee.
  • They poop.
  • They get into everything.
  • If they can’t reach, they FIND ways to get into everything.
  • They get noisy when you’re on the phone.
  • They make it impossible for you to leave the house.
  • They misbehave when they want attention.
  • They’re not afraid to test your patience.
  • They leave stains on your clothes, rugs, couch, etc.
  • They want to eat all the time.
  • They ruin your furniture, pants, shoes and rugs.
  • They drain every ounce of energy left in you.
  • They keep you up at night.
  • They help you justify cleaning up “doody” with your bare hands.
  • Same thing goes for eye-snot.
  • And runny noses too.
  • No matter how many times you light a candle, you can still tell smell when they last went.
  • They’re so cute, they make you forget what they just did.
  • When they nap, it’s as if everything they do is erased.
  • When they look up at you, and turn their little head to the side, you know you’re in big trouble.
  • As soon as they’re fast asleep, you’re in love again.
  • And ready to face another day of toddler mommy denial.
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