So my son and I are listening to the radio on the way to school the other day. We’re both singing along to one of his favorite pop songs (one that I’m beginning to like now to my friends’ dismay). As soon as the song ends, the DJ starts rambling on about something. Before I know it, the DJ announces that Lady Gaga’s secret to younger-looking skin is spinach and orgasms. I felt like I was in slow-motion, reaching for the off switch. I hit that button so fast, you could barely hear the “O” word. But OM goodness! I’m no Tipper Gore, but really? It was 8:15 a.m. and my son is 10. He’s too old for KidzBop, but WAY too young for this stuff. Thankfully, it was over his head. He didn’t even suspect a thing. Had he caught on, I would have resorted to leaving the radio off until he turns 15. (Or maybe simply asking him to put on his proverbial “ear muffs” just as Vince Vaughn did in Old School.)

Ear Muff It For Me, Old School.

Brownies alone (even without the SNL Brownie Husband) are like a cross between chocolate cake and fudge, and that, my friend, is all this mom needs.

Check out this recipe for amazing brownies.

Ingredients:

• 1 cup butter
• 2 cups sugar
• 4 eggs
• 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 2/3 cup cocoa powder
• ¼ teaspoon salt
• ½ teaspoon baking powder

1. Preheat oven to 350F. Butter and flour a 9×13 inch baking pan or casserole dish.

2. In a large saucepan over moderate heat, melt the butter. Remove from heat.

3. In a small bowl, lightly whip the eggs. Stir sugar and vanilla into eggs and set aside.

4. In a separate bowl, shift together flour, cocoa powder, salt and baking powder.

5. Add sugar mixture to melted butter and mix well. Add flour mixture to sugar mixture and mix just until combined – about fifty strokes with a wooden spoon.

6. Spread batter into the prepared pan and bake in the preheated oven for 25-30 minutes. Do not over bake!

7. Frost brownies while they are still warm with Frosting for Brownies, and allow to cool completely before slicing.

Serves: 24 generous brownies

The Frosting

Ingredients:

• 1 ¼ cups butter
• 1 ¼ cups cocoa powder
• ¼ cup honey
• 2 tablespoons vanilla extract
• 3 cups powdered sugar

1. Over low heat in a small saucepan, melt butter.
2. Stir in remaining ingredients and beat to combine. Pour warm frosting over      brownies while they are still warm, and allow to set. Allow brownies to      cool completely before cutting.

I may have mentioned before that I’m a chocoholic. Not one who eats it every now and then, but a shameless chocoholic whose hormones depend on some form of the dark stuff on a daily basis. A friend recently shared a link to a hilarious Saturday Night Live skit starring Tina Fey called “The Brownie Husband”. I died laughing from the first scene. The skit speaks for itself. I’m not saying that a chocolate brownie should ever permanently replace your life partner, but it can be a pretty satisfying temporary replacement.

SNL’s “Brownie Husband”:

My pink booth at the Red Tent event. I’m so excited, I’m turning red. OK, I’ll calm down. Here’s the scoop: I’ll be participating in the Fourth Annual Red Tent Day for Women at the Rhodes on the Pawtuxet this Sunday, March 4 and hope you can join me if you live close by. Look for my PINK booth in a sea of red, as I unveil my new gift book, How to Spread Sanity on a Cracker: Mom-to-Mom Whines, Cheese, Rants & Recipes!

The Red Tent Day is a special day of pampering for women, featuring a swanky array of vendors with proceeds going to the RI Crisis Assistance Center. It takes place at the Rhodes on the Pawtuxet, at 60 Rhodes Place in Cranston, RI from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. (Local Rhode Islanders pronounce it Crrrraaaaaaaannnnsston, which may help if you get lost.) Expect everything from manicures to pedicures, yoga and massages and beyond! Tickets are only $20 and go to a great cause. Visit www.redtentri.com for more details.

• The horrors of shopping with kids
• How to make Tex-Mex Dip
• What to do when your child gets a potty seat stuck to her head
• The recipe for gourmet Cheddar Cheese Dip with Dried Figs

With the New Year comes a national obsession of trying to get back into shape. As if our bodies forget that we don’t exercise before January 1? I’ve found that some people keep up a routine for five weeks (beginning in January) and then stop the rest of the year. I, on the other hand, have a more consistent approach to trying to stay in decent shape. A rather lame one, but one that works for me. You see, I exercise so I can feel good (and essentially, eat more). If I don’t work out at least three to four times a week, my husband says, I act like something that rhymes with “switch”. I can’t help it. I enjoy eating and I have to find a balance. But when I open my door and it is pitch black, 25 degrees and my driveway is a sheet of ice, I have to resort to my lowest, lamest calorie-burning denominator. Running in place. And a few floor exercises. My kids have found me in my room, running in place while watching 30 Rock repeats many a morning. My son will clap and jog around the room, saying,” Come on, ladies, you can do it.” My daughter will do leg lunges, saying, “Feel the burn, girls. Feel the burn”. At this point, I can’t stop giggling, but at least I’m doing something. I do venture outside and go to the local YMCA too. I like to jog with my overgrown puppy dog and go to the occasional Yoga class. I’ve done a couple triathlons over the past decade, but I’m not obsessed. Let’s just say I was the only woman to finish the Danskin triathlon riding a mountain bike with a kick stand. OK, so I got the bike off of CraigsList during the recession. It’s all good. Just do what works for you.

When the wind blows every leaf from the neighborhood onto my lawn and my wool sweaters beg to be dry cleaned, I know it’s time. Time for winter. Time for the holiday season. The season for hats and hot chocolates. The season for skates and skis. And, God bless, the season for stress eating. This year, as soon as the hint of burning chimneys reach my nose, I find myself in the pantry looking for leftover Halloween candy. Rifling through the freezer for frozen pizza. And piling whipped cream over every freaking hot beverage known to man. I know I’m not an animal. I’m a human being. But something in me tells me it’s time to hibernate for the winter. Meaning it’s time to stress eat.

Stress eating does something miraculous for my sanity. Please don’t spoil it for me. Because, as long as I exercise here and there, I feel I can justify the expansion of my thighs a little longer.

Here’s a fun link to my favorite winter beverage on a stick.

The other day, some girlfriends and I started trading “Motherhood was toughest for me when” stories. One friend, who I will call Kelli, admitted that when her kids were infants, she felt like she was going stir crazy. “They weren’t even talking to me yet. Being home full-time just wasn’t right for me.” That’s when Kelli decided she was a better mother when she worked. (Later on, she was able to work part-time, which made everything balance out.) Another friend who I will call Lila admitted that she adored those hibernating infant years, but when she eventually went back to work full-time, something didn’t feel right. “Seeing the sitter take my daughter everywhere killed me.” Lila eventually started working from home part-time, giving her the best of both worlds.

Another mom who I will call Dara worked as an attorney for years. Had Dara not quit for good when she decided to be a mom, there would have been no way she could balance it all with her two kids. I could go on and on (and I will eventually, believe me) about my experience as a working mother. The bottom line is I’m at my best when I’m working from home part-time. That’s where I feel like Jackie. That’s where I feel the most balanced. If my kids are sick, I can stay home with them without feeling guilty that I’m missing work. I can walk them to the bus stop, pick them up from school, and never miss a practice. When I was working full time, the pressure of missing work for a practice or coming in early so I could leave early for a pediatrician appointment was emotionally and physically draining. I have to hand it to those moms who work full-time, I don’t know how you do it. I don’t know how I did it! I can’t tell you how much stress I carried on my daily commute. But I’m happy to say that although I still have my days, I’m much happier today as a work-from-home-mom. (And I think my boss is a pretty cool lady.)

At what point did I let Granny panties pass as everyday panties? Granny panties, period panties, Nana panties. Call them what you want, but I know you know what I’m talking about. I realize many of you wear adorable matching panties and bras every day of the week and probably can’t believe I’m writing about this. Eff-it, I’m 40. Deal with it. For the moms who have given up on looking cute underneath it all, I know I’m not alone. You reach a point as a mother where you just say, it is what it is. “I’ve taken a shower, I’ve sprayed my outfit with Fabreze. This pair of panties from the clean clothes pile will have to do.” Now, I believe in working out and staying in shape (aside from good health, I work out so I can eat more and make room for my kids’ leftovers). I also promise myself to take a shower every day. But when it comes to unattractive and mismatched undergarments, I take the cake more than I care to admit. I do try. I have bought some expensive matching under-outfits through the years. I wash them and wear them here and there. But some of the prettiest bras stay tucked neatly inside my drawer for months on end, never to be paired with panties that at least fall in the same color family. I loathe going to that bra store in the mall where there are skinny 20-somethings donning Triple D matching bras and tanks searching the display drawers for the perfect thong. For some reason, they are almost always with their boyfriends and five girlfriends. They are all searching for thongs. Honey, let me tell you and your five girlfriends something. I haven’t worn a thong in 11 years. I’ve tried. But if you dare make me laugh or ask me to jump up and down while I have one on, don’t think I won’t drive home and slap on a pair of mismatched granny panties just so I can feel more comfortable. You reach a certain point when you become a mother where something has to give. Every Monday, my bra and panties match. Sometimes on Tuesdays too. But by Thursday afternoon, I’m sporting a look underneath it all that makes Tootsie look sexy.

This is an old article about what your panty style says about you, and yes, Granny panties are in here.

Sometimes movie critics are a little too critical. A couple years ago, a film came out about a New York City stay-at-home mom. Did I mention that Uma Thurman plays the main multi-tasking mom character? The movie, Motherhood, may have bombed in both England and America, but there were several scenes that hit pretty close to home for this mom. (Except for the fact that Uma has no body fat and can make unwashed hair look fabulous.)

Check out this clip (from Motherhood starring Uma Thurman (who I once saw walking in the Meatpacking District of Manhattan. And yes, I tried to keep my cool by not staring at her, but I did giggle and point behind her back like a star-struck school girl turned dorky mother.)

If you’re curious about Elimination Communication or want to test your infant with this trend, (God help you) here’s some more background for you.

I was at the local library with my kids recently, checking out the periodicals in the children’s reading room when I came across a magazine headline, “To Catch a Pee: A Diaper Free Infancy”. You read that correctly. A Diaper Free Infancy. A toilet training practice known as Elimination Communication. Have you ever heard of this? Let me break it down into Wikipedia terms for you. Elimination communication is a toilet training practice in which a caregiver uses timing, signals, cues, and intuition to address an infant’s need to eliminate waste. Caregivers try to recognize and respond to babies’ bodily needs and enable them to urinate and defecate in an appropriate place (e.g. a toilet). (As if the toilet is not an appropriate place.) I mean, really? A life without diapers sounds great, until you get down to the part where you need to hold your newborn over the toilet every time he makes a face. Have these people not heard of diapers – in the convenient disposable and cloth varieties? Can you imagine trying this with your newborn, when you’ve had 2 hours of sleep in a 48-hour span and still feel like your vagina has been hit by a lawn mower? Sorry, friends. This woman tried cloth diapers at the beginning and then went on to use disposable ones due to a variety of reasons. I understand that EC may be a common practice in other countries where diapers are not a part of their culture. Even if I had won the Lottery the year my son was born, didn’t need to work every day and could pay someone to sleep for me, Elimination Communication would not be my cup of tea. Potty training my first born was a stressful enough time in my life (that I try to block out). Had I tried this, my husband and my dearest friends would have sent me away for their own sanity.