I have been fighting a cold for about a week now and when I’m really feeling sick, I can’t help myself. After loading my body with enough Green tea and Vitamin C to temporarily tranquilize a small rodent, I climb in bed and browse through Pinterest, Facebook, US Weekly and other “junkfood-for-Jackie’s-brain” places to catch up on the latest style trends. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with having a little fashion fest when you’re nursing a cold, right?

But during a recent Sunday online style search, I was disappointed. Very disappointed. Although the latest fashion trends for 2015 look fabulous on Kardashian and her kisters, they just aren’t for me.

I’ll throw out some examples:

1. CAPES. Some capes are really cute. I have tried to wear the “cape” look. But I look like I’m stepping off of the Scooby Mystery Mobile wearing one of my grandmother’s afghans around my shoulders. There are some people who can pull off this look. But I am not one of them. If you don’t believe me, I’ll snag my faux fur Restoration Hardware throw blanket off my couch, toss it around my neck and wait to see the kinds of looks I get at the grocery store.

  1. Mod 1960’s mini-dresses. Short mini dresses. So short, even my 10-year-old daughter calls them “inappropriate”. (I love that she says that. My only hope is that she keeps this up in high school.) OK, I love 1960’s dresses. My best friend and I practically STARTED our elementary school’s mini skirt trend in the fourth grade. Hello, have you not seen a bazillion FB pictures of me wearing my favorite Jackie O glasses (that sadly cracked in two during our recent move)? I also worship style icons from that era. My mother named me after Jackie Kennedy for crying out loud. But a dress so short that the hem line stops right past my panty line? Especially since my 43-year-old southern cheeks have been expanding from post-holiday Lindt truffle overload? Um, I think I’ll pass. No, thank you.
  2. Real fur coats. Long fur coats. I’m super happy with the new fluffy cashmere gloves my husband gave me for Christmas, but I’m not about to go out and buy a long and trendy real fur coat just because Kourtney Kardashian is wearing one. (Not a real fur coat, that’s cruel.) Mark my words, even if I did, it would go out of style the following week and someone would splash red paint on it.
  3. Military khaki. I’m OK with military jackets. But, does this mean I need to wear shoulder pads? Because, to quote Jimmy Fallon, “I can’t.” Plus, when I was 11 years old and I participated in a four-hour “Color Me Beautiful” program with my mom, I was shown that even a hint of khaki green fabric near my freckled face makes me look like I actually need to puke. I mean I can’t…I’m a spring! Not an autumn! 

5. Short sweater dresses. To quote my daughter, “Ew!” Some sweater dresses are cute. BUT…the last time I wore a sweater dress that looked good on me, I was a junior in high school. I’m sorry, but these short dresses are MEAN to a woman my age. They highlight everything. Not just my curves, but my bubbles, my flab and my back fat. No thank you.

Oh, dear, I guess this makes me officially unstylish this new year. That’s such a bummer. Being from Texas, I love to dress up and keep up with the latest fashions, but I can’t seem to EMBRACE new trends. But wait….one more search gives me hope. THANKS TO PRINCESS KATE, I’ve realized there’s a style trend I can follow! Black tights! Hello, black tights! Thank you, Kate Middleton, for bringing back simple black tights. You can drop $10 at your local drug store and look like a princess? AND tuck in muffin top without cutting off your blood circulation? And make your grandmother happy because it keeps you warm while wearing a dress? Hello, black thick tights, I love you! I guess I’m not as much of a fashion failure as I thought!