Unless you have been living under a rock, you’ve probably heard about a show gracing the beautiful state of Rhode Island. 

Yes, I’m talking about the Real Housewives of Rhode Island. Bravo, Bravo. Awesome job.

I can’t help it. I’m addicted to this show. It’s like cotton candy for the brain. So much fun. (As long as you don’t overdo it or you’ll feel like you wandered off a spinny ride at the amusement park.)

A lot of people either love or hate this kind of TV show and I have to admit it, I am loving it. It is entertainment, after all.

Although this state is very small, I don’t know any of the cast members personally. But I do know people who know some of them. (I’m from Texas originally and the chances of this happening there is very slim.) Little Rhody has a tendency to have a two-degrees-of-separation kind of vibe, so if you don’t know someone, you know someone who does. I think that’s kind of cool, don’t you? 

And in case you’re wondering, I have already figured out who I would be friends with if I ever ended up on the show. (Anyone need a cracker? Know a former reporter or come from a different state? And I digress.)

My brother, who lives in Denver, once asked me why I’m not on the show. I love my brother, but he has three boys and he can be a little out of touch when it comes to these things. Let’s just say I had no interest in even TRYING OUT. Don’t get me wrong, I love Bravo. I have so much respect for the creative minds behind reality TV and film. But I’d much rather sit in my PJs while watching the drama play out. 

Although I thoroughly enjoy watching RHORI, (my husband has to remind me that I don’t know any of these women by the way), I have to admit I would NOT make an ideal cast member. I’ll give you some reasons why:

* My life would be too predictable for the camera crew. They’d end up following me around while I’m walking my Golden retriever (without wearing pink bouncy exercise shoes). 

* If it was a really exciting day, they could catch my dog as he’s jumping into the car so he can get a pup cup in between errands. 

* I’m in menopause and I wouldn’t want anyone to catch me (or film me) trying to remember something mid-thought. Wait, what was I trying to say? Why did I come in the kitchen?

* I have never had a professional spray tan. My legs are a little pale and let’s just say no one needs to see these legs in a bathing suit.

* I married my high school sweetheart. Based on what I have seen so far, a happily married empty nesting couple does NOT make good TV. 

* I’m friendly but I don’t like confrontation. (Who does?) A couple girls on set would definitely try my patience.

* I am in my mid-50’s, so my patience level is less than zero. I’d turn red too and this does NOT look good on camera.

* I don’t own a salon, restaurant or dispensary. Just a pr consulting biz with zero employees. (I’d be better off on the Office talking about paper.)

* I have hit menopause and would most likely need a nap in between takes.

* I wear makeup, yes, but I have never had Botox, fillers or plastic surgery. These women all look 25. No one needs to see my neck rolls on television. I’d have to wear scarves half the season. (I now fully understand Murphy Brown’s wardrobe choices.) 

* I snack. Often. (I once wrote a book about crackers and cheese dip for crying out loud.) So this means Alicia and I could be friends, but the rest of the crew might grow tired of my snacking for sanity in between takes.

* I have aunties in the state and they are adorable, but I wouldn’t want the RHORI aunties competing for air time.  

* I love shopping but I don’t own any reality-TV-appropriate evening gowns. I’d end up wearing an old bridesmaid’s dress for every confessional element, paired with a scarf, of course. 

* I live in a quiet neighborhood and I’m getting to the age where I’m enjoying the quiet.

* Any time I go any of the places they go on the show in this gorgeous state (from Newport to East Greenwich, which happens to be where I went to high school) I don’t carry a picnic basket or want to post about it. Thank God I graduated before social media!

* I’d want to find something positive about every cast member, so they’d be annoyed by my “I’m from Texas and moved to Rhode Island when I was in high school, do you want to be my friend” story.

* When I go out with my girlfriends, we are home by 9 p.m. Who wants to watch that?  

* I love my life and I’m super grateful for every minute, off-screen. So I’ll keep watching these hilarious women and supporting them this season and next. For more details about the show, visit https://www.bravotv.com/the-real-housewives-of-rhode-island.