You get a headache. Then the pain, the pressure gets so intense, so gnarly, you fear that a vein might just pop out of your forehead. (Like Kimberly’s in that oh-so-memorable episode of Melrose Place back in 1995.)
So you take some Tylenol. Tell your kids you can’t play Uno, because Mommy doesn’t feel well. An hour goes by, and the pain doesn’t go away. So like a total mommy martyr, you try to go on with your day.
You do the laundry. The dishes. You take out the trash. Answer 25 emails. Plan a conference call. Approve a proof.
Then it hits you. This is no ordinary headache. You feel like a pile of donkey bombs.
Time to fake a smile and…when no one is looking, do the inevitable.
Grab your iPhone, lock yourself in the bathroom and………..
…oh yes…..Google your symptoms.
You type in, “Headache, fatigue, nausea, dizziness.”
57 different illnesses pop up. You are on page 1 of 25.
“Son of a..”
Son of a… that’s it. I whisper to myself, “I totally have Lyme disease.” (Sounding a lot like that woman in St. Elmo’s Fire.)
I take off my clothes and check for a tick, a bull’s eye rash. Anything.
“Sinus headache.” Maybe that’s it. But there’s no mucus.
“Swine flu” NO.
“Flu.” But I’m not coughing. And my head doesn’t hurt there, it hurts HERE. Guuaaa.
“Appendicitis.” No pain there either. Thank God!
“Gastrointestinal virus.” All the symptoms add up, except for violent vomiting. I’m not puking, I just FEEL like puking.
Can’t be that. Or that.
Holy…no…not that either.
I pull out the thermometer.
I’m actually BELOW normal.
No one else on this beautiful earth except ME and all my female relatives has a regular temp of 97.1. It’s just not right.
I must be really, really bad. If I go to the doctor, he will probably laugh at me because I have no temp.
It must be my hormones. Or that pizza I had Friday night. But it’s MONDAY. Maybe it’s the water? Maybe I accidentally drank the plant water?
Wait, all of my symptoms show that it could it be, “Meningitis.”
I better make some calls.
But there’s no rash. Phew.
I call the doctor. He can’t get me in until later in the week.
Of course not.
I know me, and I am so going to be OK by the time the appointment comes.
Then one of those pop-up ads shows up. “Brain tumor.” And this is nothing to laugh at. But the pathetic part is I’m starting to get scared.
Everything that’s showing up in this Google search is starting to scare the Beetlejuice out of me. Plus, I’m actually starting to think I feel ALL of the symptoms listed, even though I’m lying down. And I know for a fact that I’m not bleeding internally. Or vomiting. Or having a stroke.
So I take some Advil. I go to bed early.
And realize it was just a virus.
I promise myself to NEVER….EVER.. Google my symptoms again.
But I know I’ll do it. I totally will.
I know you know what I’m talking about.